May
21

Ten Tiresome Behaviors of Badly Behaving Biomoms

By Stephanie Posted in The Mama Dramas | 2 Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

With the myth of Wicked Step Mother perpetuated on center stage in fairy tales and modern day media,  the nasty reality of  the Badly Behaving Biomom goes unobserved and unmentioned.  But as too many stepmothers know, BBBs are real and often a highly toxic cog within blended families worldwide.

Just who are these Badly Behaving Biomoms? They are any woman who uses her biological link with her children to inject herself inappropriately into your life and that of your blended family.

Most do it subtly.

A few do it overtly.

Photo by Live-Showtime

But rarely are any of them original in their approach.

Here are ten examples of the most common Badly Behaving Biomom behaviors I’ve witness or have myself been privy to over the years (each followed by some advice for the BBBs we know and love):

1. She tells her children how lonely and sad she’ll feel when they visit you and you family.

C’mon Badly Behaving Biomom! If you truly feel sad and lonely when they’re not with you, make it your job to fix it. Hang out with your best friend. Pow wow with your therapist. Call your mother or other family members. Leave you kid out of it. For their sake, put on a happy face, wish them a great time and stop manipulating them into feeling responsible for your emotional health. It’s your job to manage that, not theirs.

2. She engages her child/children in long phone conversations when they’re on short visits to your home.

It’s one thing if they don’t live with you, BBB, and the phone provides you your opportunity to connect and visit with them. But when they’re on a weekend visit with dad – especially the youngest ones – leave them alone. Interfering with your child’s visits smells desperate and creates discomfort – especially for your children. (This of course is rarely an issue with teens who usually have their own phones are quite adept at creating boundaries between themselves and the adults who love them).

3. She calls at inappropriate hours (late nights, very early mornings, when you’re on vacation) to chat about non-emergency issues.

News Flash: Divorce means he’s not your hubby anymore. And that means you can’t just roll over in bed and wake him up to chat whenever the mood strikes. Why? Because you’re waking me up, too and I don’t do well when I don’t get my sleep!  A better choice: Dial 1-800-THERAPIST. Or call a friend. And if you think it’s too late or too early to call, then please take that as an indicatio that it’s not an appropriate hour to dial your ex, either.

4. She tells her children they don’t have to listen to you in your home.

This is a huge disservice to your kids and a hallmark Badly Behaving Biomom tactic.  If you left your kids with a babysitter, they’d have to listen to the babysitter. (Or what would be the point of the sitter?) So why would you ever dream of telling them they don’t have to listen to the adult in that adult’s home? If you don’t like the new woman in your ex’s life, that’s fine. Using your kids as foot soldiers in your personal dramas is poor parenting, plain and simple.  My advice: grow up. You have rules in your house, and there are rules in dad’s house. Respectful children need to follow them. Teaching them to defy authority grooms them to be not just icky WickedStepKids, but also problem students and later adults who have trouble functioning in the world.

5. She makes her children feel guilty for liking/loving you.

I’m a biomom, too. My daughter adored her dad’s girlfriend. The woman knew fashion and was great with hair and shopping. (Shopping nirvana for me, by contrast, begins and ends in a equine supply store). This woman brought something new and fun into my daughter’s life. And it made me happy to know that her weekends with her dad and his new partner were something she looked forward to. This kind of relationship does not threaten your relationship with your child. In fact, I can’t imagine how any relationship can threaten that between mother and child. Whatever you have with them, good or bad, is what is is. It’s not a limited resource that is shrinks or diminishes as new people enter your child’s life. Embracing this concept will offer a giant gift to your child.

6. She begins wooing her former in-laws as soon as she realizes you’re a keeper.

Now we’re not talking about you maintaining an existing relationship with an in-law with whom you were close. But c’mon. If you didn’t have that much of a relationship before the breakup spending energy to establish, renew or improve  a connection with former in laws afterward screams m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-o-n! I knew of one former wife who never even liked her in-laws until her ex was engaged to be married. From that point on, she practically abandoned her own family in order to attend family functions of her former in-laws – often without even the children to “legitimize” her presence. Ew.

7. She calls her former in-laws when she knows you and your husband are visiting.

Like Number 5, this too makes everyone just go, “Ew.” You look bad. Your kids get embarrassed. You’re fooling no one.

8. She Interrogates your step kids when they come home from a visit with your ex and you.

Of course you’re curious. That’s natural for any mom who sends her offspring to the home of another woman.  But start sniffing too hard in the private nooks and crannies of your ex’s life and your kids will feel manipulated. If they don’t now, they will when they get old enough to understand what you’re really doing. Try instead to treat weekends away like any other weekend they had with a family friend. It definitely takes some self control, but it will pay off for you in the end.

9. She shows up at scheduled events your step child attends with  dad and/or you.

Your child developing and strengthening bonds with other adults who love him or her is a good thing and takes nothing from you. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Because ultimately, this is not about you Badly Behaving Biomom. Your showing up when they’re with your ex’s family – especially if you’re involved in any kind of custody dispute – only places your child in an awkward position of worrying about the adults around him or her rather than allowing the child to enjoy some carefree moments of childhood. Not nice.

10. She alienates your step child from biodad and/or you and other and family members.

Now rightly considered a serious form child abuse, alienation manifests with a child expressing unjustified hatred or an unreasonably strong dislike of the targeted parent or family member. It is the biggest bad a Badly Behaving Biomom (or biodad) can commit. It can take years for a child to recover – if ever.  And ultimately, when they realized what you’ve done (and that epiphany will come) , you also may lose their love – justifiably.  (We’ll discuss more about alienation in a later blog).

How do you deal with Badly Behaving Biomom behaviors? Please share with us by registering your comments below.

Cheers – Stephanie

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2 Comments


  1. TJ says:
    May 21, 2010 at 9:13 AM

    How about the one where the biomom withholds information about upcoming events, or other vital stuff involving the kids to limit the involvement of the other parent in the kids lives. Can you say “Control Freak?” I think you can. And the kids, at first, think dad just isn’t that interested in their daily activities, but they will eventually catch on and resent their mom for keeping dad at a distance from them.
    TJ´s last blog ..Eco Fraud Friday: Is It A Vegan Conspiracy? My ComLuv Profile

  2. Stephanie says:
    May 23, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    Yep, that’s another common Badly Behaving Biomom nasty! How do these women live with themselves???

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May
10

Mad Men and Angry Step Daughters

By Stephanie Posted in Media and Moms | No Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

I love Mad Men.

Not, of course, real-life, pissed-off males. I don’t like those

I’m talking here about the fabulously stylized AMC television drama that depicts the 1960s-era Madison Avenue advertising world. Brian and I devoured nearly three seasons via our Netflix subscription in a matter of a few weeks – it’s that good.

We like Mad Men for so many reasons. It’s well written. It’s lively. It’s historically authentic. And while I’m not in any way fashion-literate (just jeans, please) the 1960s women’s dresses and gowns cause me to exhale in audible awe – reminding me of the elegant attire of my Old School Barbies (including an early 1960s-era Midge doll hand-me-down from my cousin, Martha).

Image By TinkerTailor

Beyond that, Mad Men is one of the very few places on recent television (save for Desperate Housewives) where the writers seem to really get the whole step mom/new wife thing. It’s proven itself to me as a show that accurately depicts the potential challenges of being a woman involved with a man who already has children. That’s because its writers don’t default to cheap, tiresome wicked step mother stereotypes when portraying the relationships between new wife/ex-wife; and adult daughter/stepmother (or dad’s new lady friend). Instead, they portray the complex dynamics that can and do happen in real life – including the all-too-common bad behaviors of adult step daughters who devolve into childish petulance over dad’s new love.

Take for instance Mad Men’s Betty Draper.

Betty is a gorgeous, young suburban wife who wants for nothing financially. She’s married to the show’s El Jefe: Tall, Dark and Handsome Ad Man, Don Draper. They have three beautiful children. But we learn that Betty is also a daddy’s girl of the yucky variety: the type who even as an adult demands daddy’s full attention. And that means Dear Old Dad will not get her blessing when dad takes up with a woman after his wife’s death.

The Mad Men writers subtly weave these Ugly Betty moments into the main plot line. The first appearance happens after dad has a stroke. For whatever reason, no one tells Betty until three days later. When Betty does find out about it, she becomes understandably upset. She should have been informed immediately. But she’s doesn’t become angry with her brother who knew about it and said nothing to her. She doesn’t become upset with with her sister-in-law, who also kept quiet about it. And she doesn’t vent on her beloved nanny/maid who still works for dad and also presumably was well-aware of his stroke. Instead, Betty turns feral and chooses to direct her anger at her dad’s civilized lady friend, Gloria. (How dare Gloria not inform Betty!)

I love that the writers did that. Why? Because it’s real. This b.s. happens far too often to step mothers everywhere. Get involved and active in your blended family and you’ll often find yourself accused of overstepping your bounds. Wisely disengage from involved parenting of his children if he doesn’t support you – and you’re labeled cold and uncaring.

And Mad Men gets this.

The civilized Gloria, bless her heart, apparently gets all this, as well, and chooses not to hang around for much more abuse. (Not only does Betty act nasty and cold around her, but Betty’s dad treats Gloria poorly as well. You get the sense dad’s behavior is due to his stroke). In any case, the very beautiful Betty opts for one final Ugly Betty opportunity. This time she heaps blame on Gloria for leaving her father (because it leaves Betty and her brother with figuring out how to handle their dad and his condition).

But Betty’s not the only one displaying such poor behavior.

In Season 3 we get another sniff of real life dysfunctional adult step-daughter behavior. This happens between recent college graduate Jane Sterling (new and very young wife of Roger Sterling, partner in the Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce Ad Agency) and her step-daughter (of nearly the same age) Margaret Sterling. Margaret is a spoiled, entitled young woman who demands of her wealthy father (who is paying for the entire, elaborate wedding) that his new wife be banned from Margaret’s wedding. She cries. She screams. She rages. She, too, goes big time feral.

Now, you might have a bit of empathy for the girl if say, her mother, Sterling’s ex-wife was seeped in some puddle of self-pity over her husband shacking up with young Jane. But she’s not. Mona Sterling is a beautiful, confident woman who rightly focuses not on the object of Margaret’s angst – but instead focuses on ending her daughter’s behavior. (Ah, the 1960s when parents weren’t yet afraid to parent!)

When Margaret complains to her mother about Jane’s attempts to befriend her, her mother refuses to put up with it. So, bratty, spoiled Margaret, in tears, calls her father to snarl at him about his new wife’s efforts at friendship. Roger, bless his heart, doesn’t put up with the behavior either. He says she can either forget about the wedding or she can shut and up and get married. Her choice. (Of course Roger later chastises new wife Jane for her overtures and that causes a fight between them, but that’s another topic for another blog).

So kudos to Mad Men. A great show with a lot more to teach us than its title suggests.

And now, I gotta go. Brian is waiting patiently for me to join him for the last episode of Mad Men, Season 3 that we saved for tonight. (Season 4 premieres on AMC, July 25, 2010).

Any thoughts you’d like to share? I’d love to read them. Scroll below to post.

Cheers -- Stephanie

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May
03

Six Steps to a Better Divorce – Blended Family Style (Part II)

By Stephanie Posted in Divorce | No Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

By Editor B

An emotional wrecking ball has obliterated your marriage and now you want a divorce. The dissolution journey, as common as it is, remains among the most traumatic life serves up. And that’s true whether you’re mourning lost dreams of ‘til death do you part or whether you’re giddy with promises of new beginnings. Still, you can make it through to the other side stronger and healthier by fully considering these common emotional speed bumps divorce will place on your road to recovery.

First, everything in your life is about to change. Your relationship with your bio children will change as will your relationship with other family members and even friends. Of course, for better or worse, your relationship with your step kids will be far different, as well. And you’ll change, too – it’s inevitable. But don’t expect a community outpouring of condolences and casseroles to help you through this death. Mourning the loss of un-materialized hopes and dreams you had for your relationship and yourself will be up to you and is an essential step before you can rebuild a better life.

“My definition of divorce is it’s an unpleasant solution to an unpleasant problem that has to be faced realistically and with the truth,” licensed Mental Health Practioner, Nicholas V. Tornatore, Ph.D., PC of Brooklyn, New York tells WickedStepKids.

“People are shocked at the impact (divorce) has on every single area of their life,” says Deb Barela, director of a secular Divorce Recovery Workshop at the First Presbyterian Church in Colorado Springs, CO. And that’s true even when it’s you who initiates the split.

No matter your situation, the emotional divorce journey can offer your life a refreshing catharsis if you embark on it with awareness and calm. The following six tips will help you maneuver the swirl of high-impact changes without getting swallowed in drama and despair.

Step One: Apply the Brakes

By Danny Sullivan

Curb your desire to quit your job, uproot your life and move to a new town. While doing all three of those things may ultimately prove to be the elixir of your new and improved life, now is not the time to make such important decisions. Tornatore says expect at least a year to really settle the wave of high emotions typically caused by divorce.

“If you have stress and a sense of alarm your decisions are affected,” he says. “A year from now you may feel differently (about your choices) and have regrets.”

Step Two: What About New Love?

By Suchitra

Conventional wisdom states that you should stay away from love relationships until you have time to heal. But while that’s sound advice, it’s often impractical. “If you start to date – even if you feel you want to be emotionally rescued, but you realize this – then it’s healthy,” Tornatore says. “It’s when you blindly romanticize about being rescued that you’re in danger. (In such cases) You should wait awhile until you clear up either by yourself or in therapy.”

Barela, who counsels several hundred newly divorced persons annually agrees: “To attract healthy you have to be healthy. What happens to so many people is they’re not willing to give themselves time to time to become healthy.” The result? You’ll be far more likely to rush into another bad match and repeat the same mistakes.

Step Three: Acknowledge The Tough Emotions

“You’ve been extending vulnerability and trust to another in partnership, which is good,” Tornatore says. But then upon divorce, an emotional vacuum remains that often gets filled by loneliness, sadness and their most un-welcomed cousin: desperation. “They’re going to occur, you just have to realistically deal with them and don’t deny them,” Tornatore says.

By Wonderlane

Reaching out to friends, family and doing spiritual reading can provide a soothing emotional salve.

On the flip side, divorce may actually ease the loneliness you may have felt within your marriage to an unavailable partner. “I don’t think there is a lonelier place in the world than to be married and lonely,” says Barela who teaches those in her workshops that being single doesn’t necessarily equate to being lonely if you work to fill your life. Barela advises joining singles groups (where you can meet other single female friends, too), calling acquaintances and inviting them to the movies, to dinner or to just hang out – even if this means stepping out of your comfort zone.

Step Four: Consider the Kids – Your Bio Children and Your Step Children

When children are involved, the emotional repercussions magnify. This applies to your your step children, your own kids and bio children you may share with your partner. Kids want stability and a divorce is the antithesis of that. Even (and perhaps especially) WickedStepKids are hungry for stability. So even if they showed glee in upsetting your blended family, they could be the hardest hit by your split.

What to do? Minimize their stress by refusing link them in any way to your split. Truly, blended family marriages don’t break because of the kids. If wicked step kids have gunsights trained on your relationship, it’s up to the two of you to take action to stop it (by implementing boundaries and consequences). If that doesn’t happen, then that is the cause of the break. Not the WickedStepKids. No step kids – no matter how wickedly he or she behaves – should carry that burden. And if you continue a relationship with your step children never ever bad-mouth your ex – no matter how much anger or hurt exists between the two of you. All that serves to do is to pull them into your marital strife and personal problems. Turn instead to adult friends, a therapist, a minister or adult family members.

“I tell parents, I don’t care if you dislike each other for years. You’re adults. Rise above it and mutually parent for the sake of the children,” Tornatore says. Those who follow his advise are often rewarded with the joy of seeing their children actually grow stronger in the process. And in many cases this includes relations with step children.

Worried that divorce is bad for kids? Best to expend your worry beads instead on what kind of role modeling an unhealthy relationship is teaching your offspring. “Children are great mimickers,” says Tornatore. “If a couple is not showing love, affection and appreciation of one another…children see active misery as a way to live in a relationship.” On the other hand, children who witness their parents make healthier life choices often feel confidence and security. “They come to trust their parents much more when they see their parents have taken a decision to make their lives better.”

Step Five: Find a Divorce Recovery Group

Run, don’t walk to the nearest Divorce Recovery workshop, Barela advises. Nearly every community offers them. “A lot of people when going through this still isolate themselves,” she says. “Everyone of us experiences failure but divorce is such a public failure…and it causes a sense of shame for many people.” Gathering with like-situated people can go a long way in offering you peace of mind and support. Barela says attendees of her workshop universally express surprise at the number of those in attendance. “They think they’re the only one going through it so coming here provides an immediate sense of comfort.”

Step Six: Learn to Forgive

If you have children do it for them; if you don’t have children, do it for yourself. Forgiving your ex for whatever transgressions is key to rebuilding a healthy emotional life. Yet it is by far among the toughest tasks you’ll take on, especially if either you or your ex left the marriage vested in extracting revenge from the other. Author Colin Tipping’s Radical Forgiveness program offers a truly radical approach to shedding such baggage.

Barela says that in her workshops she visually depicts the impact of carrying anger toward your ex-spouse by strapping a dummy on her back. Without forgiveness, she says “you become a prisoner to this person. They are with you day and night. You are allowing them to control you because you make decisions in your life based on them.” Instead, she advises you write a “forgiveness letter” to your ex. The good news is you don’t even have to send the darn thing. You just need to write it. “You’ll feel so much better,” she says of completing the exercise. “If you carry hurt with you for life, you hurt yourself, you hurt your children and you never get to live the life you were meant to live.” Your better course? Quash the urge for revenge and instead live well!

My great loves

Care to comment? I’d love to hear them – negative or positive. (Scroll below to enter them).

Cheers -Stephanie

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Apr
26

Should You File for Divorce? (Part One)

By Stephanie Posted in Divorce | No Comments »

BY STEPHANIE O’NEILL

A Quick Note: While I’d prefer to omit reference to the dreaded D-word on WickedStepKids, doing so would be unrealistic. Divorce is in fact a viable solution for a fatally dysfunctional blended family. That being said the impact of a split is significant. The following is an edited version of an article I wrote for a women’s website just a few months (ironically) before the curtain fell on Blended Family: The Sequel.

Art by David Armano

The magical powers of disengagement can restore your sanity and even save a marriage on the precipice of divorce. But if your partner refuses to respect the new disengagement boundaries you’ve set, or worse, attempts to bully you into reengaging the chaos caused by WickedStepKids, don’t be surprised if fantasies of divorce consume your thinking.

But should you act on these thoughts? Even if your family and friends ultimately (and even unanimously) fess up to despising the cad, divorce is never an easy process. And initiating one without the clarity of a rational, calm mind can haunt you with regret. By contrast, couch your decision with thoughtful consideration and realistic expectations and you’re more likely to make the right choice. Here are ten factors you should consider before turning your “I do’s” into “I don’ts.”

1. Can You Salvage It? If greener pastures or boredom are fueling your quest to flee, consider alternative options: Book a romantic cruise (don’t forget his ticket!), enroll in couple’s therapy, fly to an exotic locale. Now is the time to try everything you can to shore up, shape up and spice up your marriage in any way possible. And it’s time to do everything possible to deal with behaviors of WickedStepKids. Why? Because pretty much any option will be a lot less costly –emotionally and financially – than divorce. If, on the other hand, he refuses to parent his own children and undermines your efforts to do so; if he refuses to deal with wicked behaviors his child lobs at you; if fundamental differences in lifestyle, morals or character pockmark your marriage, breaking up may be exactly the thing to do.

Photo by Horia Varlan

2. Fight or Flight? If extracting revenge or righting a perceived wrong is motivating your interest in divorce you’re setting yourself up for big disappointment, guaranteed. Contested divorces are expensive and ugly and will succeed only in draining the funds that can be better spent on rebuilding your life. “You can pay your mortgage, or you can pay mine,” says Virginia R. Dugan, former chairwoman of the American Bar Association’s Marital Property Committee and a partner with the Albuquerque, NM law firm Atkinson & Kelsey, P.A. What’s more, you’ll need the goodwill of your partner if you want to maintain relations with his children after a breakup. So factor in these issues before you move out.

Art by Photos8.com

3. Can You Afford A Split? Whip out the classifieds and pay a visit to a few apartments, condos and houses for a reality check. Then, review your joint checking accounts and add up the cost of running your existing household. “You can’t ballpark,” says Deborah E. Voso, a certified financial planner (CFP) with Voso Consultants, LLC in North Carolina . That’s because every penny counts when your existing household budget must support two of everything: two rents or mortgages, two utility bills and so on. And if your spouse’s employer or business covers your medical insurance, don’t forget to factor in those costs. “It’s cut off at divorce and a lot of women get real sticker shock when they see what their premium is going to be,” Dugan says.

4. Know Your Net Worth. Gather all records of all your assets, all your debts and your tax returns. If you’re like most people, your house and retirement funds will constitute your largest assets. And don’t forget stock certificates, life insurance, money market accounts, frequent flier miles, business interests and any other investments. This is the first information divorce professionals will need to evaluate your circumstances.

5. Should You Meet With An Attorney? If you have few or no assets, no shared biological children or if you do and can agree on custody issues and how to split the assets, a do-it-yourself dissolution is preferable to investing tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. Even so, it’s a wise idea to at least consult an attorney about your legal rights before you plunge into divorce. And remember, if you have the right to do or keep something it doesn’t mean it’s wise to do so. In most instances, peace of mind can often prove more valuable than a piece of furniture.

Photo by MrBill

6. Laws of The Land. What’s yours and what’s not will be determined in large part by your home state marital property laws. Do you live in one of the nine community property states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington or Wisconsin)? Then generally whatever the two of you acquired with community assets during your marriage (debt included) will be will be divided equally. If, however, you live in one of the remaining equitable distribution states a different standard applies. “The judge will look at all the assets and decide how they should be distributed in the best way possible,” Dugan says. “It may not be equal but it will be equitable” at least by the judge’s standards.

7. Can You Count on Support Payments? Not necessarily. A complex mix of your home state laws and your marital and personal circumstances will determine whether you receive “rehabilitative” support designed to give you time to improve your marketability; ongoing support for a long-term marriage or whether you wind up owing him a monthly chunk of change. Likewise, child support – if applicable – will be based on a similar complicated set of circumstances. Family law attorneys are equipped with specialized software that can help estimate whether you’ll receive or pay support, how much and for how long.

8. Forecast Your Finances?

Photo by Foxy Science

A great idea. No matter how much or how little exists for you to divvy up, a visit to a qualified financial planner or Certified Divorce Planner (CDP) can help you determine important financial issues. Among them: the true worth of pension plans and valuation of a business or other complex assets. Should you decide on divorce, a financial planner can help you forecast your future financial needs.

9. Should You Keep the Family Home? This will depend in part on the housing market where you live, the amount of equity in your home and the cost of maintaining the house. “The house is typically more of an emotional asset for women but not necessarily logical financially (to keep),” Voso says. “It’s very expensive to run a house by yourself.” So before you proclaim the house your territory, she says, consider first the cost of upkeep, repair, taxes and the many pluses of downsizing and renting.

10. Ask for Help! No matter the reasons for your divorce and your feelings about it, the transition is bound to be bumpy. Rely on your friends, family, colleagues, church, neighbors, therapist and anyone else willing to offer you support. Don’t isolate yourself. Accept invitations, enroll in a language course, go back to college, paint, travel, paint, get a couple happy dogs – whatever it takes to enrich your new life.

My Molly and Angus

Cheers – Stephanie

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Apr
12

Disengaging From The Blended Family Blues – Part II

By Stephanie Posted in Cool Solutions | 6 Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

In Disengaging From The Blended Family Blues, Part I, I reviewed some of the reasons why you and your husband may be entangled in parenting problems unique to blended families. Here, we’ll look at the solutions.

But first, a brief recap of part one:

The genesis of the most common blended family parenting problems stem from the difference between male and female parenting styles. Traditionally, females focus on the day-to-day issues of manners, proper behavior, bedtimes, hygiene, for instance. Fathers typically focus on “big picture” issues such as grades and sports accomplishments.

All that works fine in a (functional) nuclear family. But when you blend a family, the dynamic changes. Without the moral authority to parent another’s child, you can’t play the maternal role with success – no matter how great a parent you may be. Moral authority comes either from being a bioparent to the child or, in the case of a stepmother, receiving that authority from the father. Details on what that requires you can find in last week’s blog post.

Today, with help from the preeminent essay on disengaging (by an unidentified author) we explore what you can do. (Her words in quotes).

First, our author/stepmother tells us: start the disengagement process with a family announcement. When you’re calm and centered, she advises you tell everybody that change must happen because your family is not working as is. And then let them know you’re the one who is going to change.

Tell them from that moment forward you are removing yourself from any situation that allows them the opportunity to treat you with disrespect. So, for instance, instead of you making sure they get enough sleep; get to school on time; clean up after themselves or do their homework, their father will be the parent on these matters. And if he fails or doesn’t care enough to follow through- let it go. To quote a mantra that got my dear friend through all kinds of stepmothering woes: Not my kid, not my problem. Translation: your sanity is worth too much.

Now this doesn’t mean your husband gets no help from you with his kids. You are partners. So you can agree to help him, but only if he asks you. And then, our author says: “you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help if the kids, between now the event, treat you disrespectfully. And you must refuse to assist next time if your husband and his kids don’t say ‘thank you.’ You have a right to have your efforts appreciated.”

Ten Steps To Sanity

When you find yourself slipping into your old patterns – which you will – refer to these ten disengagement tenets, also from our unnamed author:

1. Your step kids are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous “raising.”
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your stepkids.
7. All the responsibility for raising your stepkids belongs to your husband.
8. Your husband is not a mother.
9. Your husband is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your stepkids are not going to turn out the way they would if your husband supported you.

“What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your stepkids. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your husband. You must allow your husband to make whatever mistakes he makes.”

Your Rights In Your Home

That being said disengaging does not mean your have no rights in your own home. However, to stay on track you’ll want to limit your engagement to only those issues that directly affect you.

“For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness and cleanliness that you desire (just leave the stepkids rooms alone and concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, “If you don’t clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal.” Period, no discussion, just do it. If it’s important to your husband for his kids to eat, he will parent his children, or do it himself. ..If your husband chooses to do his children’s chore, let him.”

Disengagement works even if you raise your children in a totally different manner than he raises his. For instance, you may believe it’s important for your children’s sense of self to contribute to household chores and/or to get a job when they’re teens. He may believe the opposite. Explain to your children that you’re not favoring your stepkids, but that you’re doing what you believe what’s best for them and your husband is doing the same for his children.

“The point is this: your husband must decide what is important to him. You must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to “allow” him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be part of your life right now. My husband stepped up to the plate. Your husband might not. But that’s his decision. Don’t expect him to agree with your “new position.” He doesn’t agree with your current position. Don’t expect him to like what you are doing – or to be more precise – not doing. The less you do, the more he must do and that will not make him happy. You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.”


Interested in more? Read the full disengaging essay on StepTogether.com by clicking here. And scroll below to share your thoughts.

Cheers,
Stephanie

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6 Comments


  1. laura says:
    April 12, 2010 at 8:59 AM

    Easy to say, how easy to do? I know that if my partner did not parent the children in a manner that was appropriate, I absolutely could not sit back and just observe. I would be so concerned about what kind of human being my husband was allowing to be put into society. I could not do it without tension and stress in my own life.

  2. Stephanie says:
    April 12, 2010 at 9:03 AM

    That is the greatest challenge – sitting back and letting go. It’s even harder if you get support from hubby at some stage and you see the positive changes in the child or children and then later, he pulls back that support. Watching the kids spiral back to their harmful ways is tough to take. But ultimately, you can’t make good change without his support. If he won’t give it, sitting back and letting go becomes a giant relief. And it’s a skill that is so useful in all areas of life.

  3. Erica says:
    April 27, 2010 at 7:00 AM

    This article is EXCELLENT. My husband generally does support me; however, as the article says, we place our emphasis on different things. I’m all about how they present themselves to the world, and what kind of young men they grow up to be. I focus on these things in raising my bio son, and I just automatically transferred that over to them. But if he doesn’t back me up in those things, I shouldn’t stress myself out about them. I’ll concentrate on my own kid and let him concentrate on his. Glad I read this today.

  4. Stephanie says:
    April 27, 2010 at 5:12 PM

    Thank you for your insightful comment Erica. Much appreciated!

  5. Joy says:
    August 3, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    Wow – it is like she is a fly on the wall of my house. I have had to go through therapy to get these concepts without feeling guilty. It seemed that I was the only one who cared if my stepson had any boundries or rules to live by. He does no chores, brings drugs and alcohol into my home, has had sex with girls on my bed, treats me disrespectfully at all times and my husband does nothing to stop him or disipline him. It is the worst possible situation – I am counting down the days until he is 18 (534 days to go)at that time I will give my husband an ultimatum. We have been married for 16 years – my stepson has been with us for 3 long years – after he turns 18 if he does not move out…. they both will!

  6. Stephanie says:
    August 6, 2010 at 1:13 AM

    Hi Joy. It is weird how this is the number one issue for stepmothers. We feel guilty. Create important boundaries and help them grow and you’re vilified in many cases. Do nothing, and you’re considered “cold and uncaring.” It’s not like there are so many iterations and you’d think with the same thing happening over and over and over again to so many step mothers that finally someone out there would get it. But no one seems to really be paying attention. I’ve been away from the blog for a bit but am inspired to come back. Good luck to you! Thank you for your comments.

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Apr
09

Disengaging From the Blended Family Blues – Part I

By Stephanie Posted in Cool Solutions | 4 Comments »

BY STEPHANIE O’NEILL

Dis-en-gage (Dis-en-geyj)

1. To become disengaged; free oneself
2. To break of action with (an enemy)

If were named Queen of All Stepmothers I would wave my magic wand and bestow upon all in our misunderstood kingdom the skill of disengagement. And I am certain that knowledge would cause most common problems of parenting WickedStepKids to vanish – pfffffssst – just like that.

That’s because disengagement carries with it almost magical qualities. You’ll find this especially true if you’ve hitched your love wagon to an ineffective parent who tolerates rude and insolent behavior. But say you only face a couple hot-button issues: disengagement is malleable enough to wrap around just those. And the result is a new type of serenity rare in Stepmom Land.

I stumbled on this technique during the waning episodes of Blended Family: The Sequel. At a loss of what more I could “do,” I went searching the web for help. It was on a site called StepTogether.org that I found the disengagement essay by an unnamed author. (The site’s founders say despite widespread publication of the article throughout the net, they’ve so far been unable to locate the author’s identity). That essay taught me it’s not about doing more, it’s about doing less. In some cases – like my own – way, way less.

Manners vs. Touchdowns

The essay opens by explaining that most of the problems you face in parenting your husband’s children likely has to do with differences in male and female parenting goals.

“Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical and emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, “accomplishments” in general. In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the “moral authority” to deal with their kids… Then they get divorced and eventually marry us second-wives, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage.”

Except no matter how well you parent, you don’t have the moral authority to parent his children unless he gives it to you.

“…and he must give it to us by expecting and demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience and respect, or at least respectful behavior. That is what is meant by a supportive husband. Most of them think they are supportive, and many of us think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue and sometimes escalate, this behavior.”

Beware The Nag!

Okay. That sounds easy enough. But for your husband, it may not be. Remember, the traditional family model leaves everyday discipline to the mother. So when you ask him to take action on something he never dealt with before he may not even see a problem in the first place – let alone have any experience in handling it. And if you collect examples for him to help him “see” the evidence, he’s likely to still not see what you want him to and instead view you as the real problem. The result, risk being labeled a harping nag.

The children, meantime, misinterpret dad’s lack of action as permission for their behavior toward you. “They think he’s giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating… There we are, doing all the work (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless),doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our husbands who can’t understand why we’re so angry, and we’re wondering what we’re doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused and unappreciated by our husband and his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.”

Sound familiar? The good news is there is a solution. On Monday, WickedStepKids will take a look at disengagement techniques in Disengaging From The Blended Family Blues, Part II.

Scroll below to share your comments.

Cheers,

Stephanie

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4 Comments


  1. Myrna says:
    April 9, 2010 at 10:40 PM

    Years ago, when the hubby’s daughter was 7 years old, she screamed, “You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do!”

    Without missing a beat, I said, “Thank God! If I wanted to be a mother, I’d have a child of my own. But since your dad’s not home, you have to do what I say.”

    She then yelled, “I don’t like you!”

    “I don’t care if you don’t like me. You still have to do what I say.”

    She might have thought them many more times after that, but she never uttered those words again. I refused to be rattled, which is what she was trying to do.

    Wicked stepchildren are fine if they’re quiet about it.

  2. Tracy says:
    April 10, 2010 at 9:55 AM

    Oh mannnn, now I have to wait until Monday?! Step parenting has made you cruel, Missy. I like the idea of disengagement, though. Now I want to see if you say what I think you’re gonna say….
    Tracy´s last blog ..TJ Where The Heck Have You Been? My ComLuv Profile

  3. JediDad says:
    April 12, 2010 at 6:27 AM

    And complicating matters, it’s a normal part of development for kids to sooner or later defy authority on their own vision quest to breaking away from mommy and daddy and become independent adults. (Of course, this raises a question: How to explain all those adults still leeching off mom and dad when these “kids” are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s?)

  4. Stephanie says:
    April 12, 2010 at 8:05 AM

    Actually, Myrna, I think that was a gift you gave her. A boundary. Her job – like any child’s – is to push. And your job is to set boundaries. Really well done.

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Apr
02

Difficult Stepkids As Life’s Great Teachers

By Stephanie Posted in Spiritual | 7 Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

If I gleaned only one lesson from my former stepmom gig it’s this: the most difficult people in our lives are here to teach us our most important lessons. Even when major crap hit the proverbial fan, I knew this to be true. And don’t get me wrong – I’m no laid back, incense-burning babe who can easily tap into a Zen Moment when B.S. is splattering all over my life (something stronger than incense would be required for that to happen).

Still during periods of huge frustration, I’d hear a voice inside me speaking that soothing truth: the most difficult people are here to teach you most important lessons. In other words, all was happening for a reason and an important one. Ok, I’d respond, what? Whaaaaat? What was I supposed to learn? When you’re straight-jacketed by the swirl of chaos your ability to attain clarity is, by definition, restricted.

Time, however, cleared the way for perspective. In the years since that chapter of my life story I now refer to as Blended Family: The Sequel (and we all know about sequels), I’ve been blessed with fresh understanding. And, to my great surprise, even a small, but growing feeling of gratitude.

Among the lessons I learned during that six-plus-year experience, was how to Disengage - a real biggie for me (thus the capital “D” ). I’ll write about all that soon, but for now know that it’s a skill that can be used not just with WickedStepKids And The Adults Who Enable Them (another post for a future blog). Disengagement can be used anywhere difficult people stampede through your life. It was the Sequel’s cast who taught me that valuable lesson.

By Moonfly Girl

And while I’m not yet soaking in a perpetual bubble bath of inspired gratitude, a newly-published book I discovered is helping me draw the warm water. I found it on a bookstore table. I devoured it and, as my very patient family and friends can attest, I haven’t stopped talking about it. The book is entitled, Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger & Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation.

HOW RADICAL IS RADICAL FORGIVENESS?

The cool thing about the concept is it doesn’t require that you submit to the wicked behaviors of your stepchild or anyone else. You don’t even have to like the person or pretend to like them. Instead, Radical Forgiveness asks only that you indulge a bit of unconventional thinking. Specifically, that you open yourself to the possibility that there may a spiritual reason for the happenings in your life – including even the yucky stuff (and maybe especially the yucky stuff). That idea in itself is not a radical thought for many. But author Colin Tipping takes that idea further by stating that the difficult people who provide you with unpleasant experiences are doing this for you rather than to you.

But wait! What about the smarmy glee oozing from offenders as they commit their dastardly deeds? What about that? Huh?!

That’s exactly why this qualifies this as radical, says Tipping. It’s the notion that nothing ‘wrong’ took place and thus there is really nothing to forgive – even with the wickedest of behaviors. And you, being a stepmom of a wee wicked one (or gangly-teen version), means you are perfectly situated to receive this gift.

“Stepchildren are angry about their family being split up and they often project their anger on a stepmother,” Tipping tells WickedStepKids. “And the stepmother’s buttons might be pushed because there’s probably something in her own childhood where she wasn’t accepted.”

Such situations provide a healing opportunity for you and others involved, Tipping says. And he spends the first 35-pages of his book illustrating the concept via a personal anecdote involving his sister , her husband and her step daughter. “They’ve all created these circumstances for each other in order to come to some spiritual resolution for the children, for the stepmother and even for the father.”

RADICAL VS TRADITIONAL FORGIVENESS

Compare that thinking with traditional forgiveness, which concludes someone has done somebody wrong. The “bigger” person is expected to forgive, which often translates into stepmom being commanded to let bygones be bygones (i.e. to play the benevolent Whipping Girl). Unfortunately, that thinking doesn’t resolve the problem – especially with skillful WickedStepKids. It also feeds a victim/perpetrator mentality that’s been too long entrenched our collective psyches as Tipping describes in his book. Radical Forgiveness, by contrast, can open the way for you to transform negative emotions into healing and peace.

Further, even skeptics can benefit, Tipping says: “All it requires is that you be willing to use the tools and be open to the possibility that there is some sort of plan beyond the ego that we’re not really aware of in our day-to-day lives.”

Best of all, success doesn’t hinge on anyone else in your blended family following the same script. That’s always been a problem for me with most stepmom advice. Sure it works if you all agree to kumbaya around the blended family campfire. Radical Forgiveness, on the other hand, works with or without the involvement of others. Says Tipping: “Even if only one person in a family is using radical forgiveness and holds that energy it works,” he says, “because it creates an energetic release for everyone involved in the tension or upset.”

Interested in trying Radical Forgiveness with your WickedStepKids? You can check out Tipping’s free worksheet and order the book through Tipping’s publisher: Soundstrue.com/radicalforgiveness (and later, in my Amazon bookstore when I finally figure out how to get that going). Meantime, I leave you with these words from a Buddhist teacher born to Jewish parents:

“Eventually we will find (mostly in retrospect, of course) that we can be very grateful to those people who have made life most difficult for us.” - Ayya Khema, Buddhist Nun

Your thoughts? I’d love to read them. Scroll below to share them.

Cheers,
Stephanie

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7 Comments


  1. Myrna says:
    April 2, 2010 at 11:02 AM

    Too true – on stepchildren being the best teachers. I learned patience and perspective. It turned out, that along with his medical problems, John’s son was developmentally disabled and would forever need assistance navigating his way through life. Only the routine is manageable for him. Nice blog, Stephanie.

  2. Stephanie says:
    April 2, 2010 at 11:59 AM

    Patience and Perspective are giant, important lessons. Thank you for your thoughts, Myrna.

  3. Giulia says:
    April 2, 2010 at 12:07 PM

    Wonderful and informative article, but still not too clear on Traditional and Radical Forgiveness. Is it that in Traditional Forgiveness one feels she/he MUST forgive, and in Radical she/he WANTS to forgive?

  4. Stephanie says:
    April 2, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    Colin Tipping the author puts it best. Quoting from his book, Radical Forgiveness:

    “With traditional forgiveness, the willingness to forgive is present but so is the residual need to condemn. Therefore victim consciousness is maintained and nothing changes. With Radical Forgiveness, the willingness to forgive is present but not the need to condemn. Therefore the victim consciousness is dropped and everything changes. (‘Victim consciousness’ is defined as the conviction that someone else has done something bad to you, and, as a direct result, they are responsible for the lack of peace and happiness in your life.)”

    Mr. Tipping devotes 20 pages to explaining the differences, which are rooted in the above.

    Thank you for your question, Giulia (i.e. my mother masquerading as an anonymous reader)

  5. Elizabeth says:
    April 7, 2010 at 9:39 PM

    Thank you for this article and website Stephanie. I appreciate your accessible and realistic writing style and important and wise words. I’ll be passing this on.

  6. Stephanie says:
    April 9, 2010 at 2:42 PM

    Thank you, Elizabeth!

  7. Colin Tipping says:
    April 14, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    Thanks for the great post – it’s great to see Radical Forgiveness being spread & applied in the every day lives of my readers. I appreciate you reading & spreading the concept of Radical Forgiveness to your great readers & helping further my goal of spreading Radical Forgiveness worldwide by 2012. If you’re on Twitter send me a message @colintip & I’ll follow you back!! Keep up the great work. ~Blessings, Colin

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Apr
01

Feral Stepchild In The Midst?

By Stephanie Posted in Humor | 14 Comments »

By STEPHANIE O’NEILL

Feral: (Pronounced feh-ruhl)
Definition: “Existing in a wild or untamed state

By Rikki's Refuge

Brian and I have two feral cats – Lucky, with solid black fur and Spice, an exotic tortoise shell. They live on the golf course behind our house. And they show up daily for the bowl of cat chow we leave on the porch. When it runs empty, they don’t hesitate to loudly demand more. Often, they act as if they want to be petted: rubbing their bodies against the patio furniture and against one another when we get near. But get too close and they scamper away. And pick them up? Only if you want a painful, low-budget face peel.

Feral Stepchild Syndrome (FSS) – a name I made up and really like – manifests itself much in the same way. Only you’re stuck living under the same roof with the feral being. And, of course, you also must feed them at your dining table instead of on the back porch. (Pretty much, there’s no shooing them away).

The Challenge

By Foxtongue

Except for a few books on the subject of children raised by wolves, my research into FSS turned up nothing. No DVDs, no how-to guides – not even a 12-step program. So, in the interest of scientific inquiry, I sought advice from a trusted source at a state Department of Fish & Game. What are the causes of feral behaviors in animals and human children, I asked? The signs? Are there any real cures for the dreaded syndrome?

In this examination of FSS, I cull five important lessons from this conversation that may help you identify whether you’re living with a Feral Stepchild In the Midst.

We begin with an expanded definition of feral:

“Wildlife managers use the term feral, which means ‘existing in a wild or untamed state’ to describe domesticated animals that behave as wild animals,” our trusted source tells WickedStepKids.

By Purrs & Paws of A.R.A.S.

“Since they are not truly wild, they don’t have a place in the ecosystem, instead wreaking havoc on the natural order of things. They are caught in a paradox of being dependent upon humans for their very survival (colonies exist and grow near restaurants, apartment complexes, and other areas where humans feed them), yet they eschew human attempts to tame them through behavior modification.”

Lesson One: Feral stepchildren, too, have been allowed to exist in a wild or untamed state. As a result, they wreak havoc in your blended family. They need you and your care but resist taming – especially if their resident bioparent – your partner – is not fully involved in the domestication program.

By Wonderlane

“For example, a feral dog might approach a human offering a scrap of meat, all the while displaying aggressive behavior such as growling, baring of teeth, and posturing. When the dog gets what he wants–the scrap of meat–he retreats and has no further contact with the human. Any attempts by the human to calm the animal—speaking in a soothing voice, and assuming a non-threatening stance, for example–are rebuffed and can actually cause the dog to intensify its aggressive behavior if the human doesn’t back away. A feral animal will literally bite the hand that feeds it. The feral animal has not learned, through positive reinforcement, that trust and submissiveness are behaviors that get rewarded.”

Lesson Two: The proper care and raising of another’s feral offspring requires understanding what they were not taught. For instance, most human offspring afflicted with FSS are unaware that growling, hissing and scratching their way through life – yours in particular – is unacceptable. Some feral stepkids, just like the cats Lucky and Spice, will never truly come around. Others, fortunately, will. Says our trusted source:

“It has been demonstrated that feral animals can be tamed, but the potential for success diminishes as the animal gets older. Likewise, feral children are physically dependent upon humans, yet behave as though they are completely independent. They have no desire to be tamed because they have not personally experienced the positive reinforcement that comes with obeying the rules. If they are given the proverbial scrap of meat even though they’re growling and barking, what have they learned? Aggression gets rewarded.”

Lesson Three: Withholding that meat scrap until you get the behaviors you seek is one quick way to elicit change. But biodad must be on board and preferably the one leading the domestication charge in your blended family home. And as is the case with all children – and most especially with feral ones – consistency is key to their domestication.

“In my admittedly limited experience dealing with feral children, I have found that whatever inroads you are able to make with a feral child during visitation is quickly undone when the feral child returns to its home environment,” our F&G contact says. “There, it’s easier to give in to nagging, whining and bullying than it is to be patient and wait for the lesson in positive reinforcement to be learned.”

By TrixOr

Lesson Four: Resolving or minimizing the effects of FSS takes patience. Bully behavior doesn’t disappear over night. Proper manners don’t magically appear. The more time the feral offspring spends with you, the better your chances of reversing their feral-ness. But, we at WickedStepKids believe children ultimately are quick learners who know the difference between rules at mom’s house and those at dad’s house. So if you don’t accept nasty behaviors and that message is sent consistently by both parents in your house, the behavioral problems that define FSS will likely fade away. If not, they’ll worsen.

What to do then?

“If only you could put a peanut butter sandwich out on the back porch and shut the door,” our trusted source says. “Instead, feral children must be allowed inside where they, like their non-human counterparts, wreak havoc on the natural order of things. How do you manage with a Feral Child in Your Midst? I don’t know, I can tell you that Trap-Neuter-Release programs are the only effective way of dealing with feral animal colonies.”

Lesson Five: Finally, don’t beat yourself up if you find that trap-neuter-release idea appealing. It’s natural for feral behaviors to trigger such (sensible) animal instincts in even the sweetest Mother Teresas among us. So go ahead: fantasize about acting them out.

By Fringly

Then, don’t do it. (Yeah, I know: total buzz kill). Instead, take a deep breath, pour yourself a glass of your favorite wine and share your thoughts below in the comments.

Cheers,
Stephanie

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14 Comments


  1. laura says:
    April 1, 2010 at 10:46 AM

    I am so glad that I do not have to deal with this personally. I am convinced that the blended families in today’s society, are numerous and very rarely look like the Brady Bunch! So many are quite sociopathic and it is very sad. I look forward to hearing some dialogue from those in this situation so I can pass it along to my many friends who are struggling with this very topic!

  2. Stephanie says:
    April 1, 2010 at 10:59 AM

    Thank you, Laura. Yes, stepmothers – especially those with poorly behaving stepkids are in real need of support.

  3. Lorella says:
    April 1, 2010 at 1:19 PM

    I co-raised a stepdaughter who had feral undercurrents but she was such a tricky little thing. She only acted feral when her dad wasn’t around. Her dad couldn’t believe his little darling would really do the things I described because he had never witnessed it. She is now 21, and recently admitted to me that she “hated” me when her dad and I first got together. Ah, such vindication to finally hear her say those words! We get along great now, by the way. I only wish Wicked Step Kids was around when I was surfing the Web, wine glass in hand, looking for someone to understand. I can’t wait to read more of your unique and refreshing take on the subject.

  4. Becca says:
    April 1, 2010 at 1:41 PM

    here’s a twist for you (does that mean I don’t belong here? :) My boyfriend’s boys are dream children. Their biomom is hateful and makes everyone uncomfortable (i.e. has avoided eye contact with me for a year now and counting….which amuses us no end at this point) MY boys, still in California, have had the same drug and behavior problems as their dad. Which is so sad, because I know their potential. The kicker is, my youngest one, 19, is moving to Texas to start a new life. Hallelujah, right? But if he does one thing out of line, smokes pot, drinks, talks back, or otherwise, around my new family, then he’s outta here. It’s terrible being the owner of feral kids too. Keep in mind that the biomoms (me in this case) aren’t always the source of evil when it comes to kids out of control. I did everything to rein in my boys, from homeschool to moving to rehabs, and their dad’s influence won over. During which time I never remarried. But the point is, the little ferals can originate from lots of places – genetics, environment, etc……..just something to consider!

  5. Tracy says:
    April 1, 2010 at 1:59 PM

    Sometimes marriages don’t work out. And sometimes there are kids involved. It’s a shame that so many parents in these situations let the damage they suffered personally affect the parenting of their kids. I was a stepkid and for whatever reason, the very nice woman my dad married after my mom divorced him got a lot of grief from us kids, even though we really didn’t want him married to our mom any more. And because he continued to have an emotional attachment to our mother and wanted to be popular with us, he was not really supportive of his wife when we acted out our unreasonable aggression. Only now, years later, can I see how awful this must have been for her.

  6. Stephanie says:
    April 1, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    Thanks for sharing your story, Rebecca. As your story shows, just because a kid behaves badly does not mean there’s a badly behaving biomom (a topic for a future blog) egging them on. Drug use is a big cause of FSS, especially among older stepkids. But setting boundaries (yet another blog topic) as you are will certainly help maintain the peace you have now created in your new blended family. Good luck!

  7. Stephanie says:
    April 1, 2010 at 2:08 PM

    Ah, Lorella! Yes, one aspect of feral behavior in little humans is their ability to hide it in front of biodad. Otherwise most (not all, unfortunately) biodad’s would put and end to it and then what fun would the child have? I have many friends who’ve shared stories with me about themselves being a Wicked Step Kid when they were younger. Can’t wait to get some guest posts on that topic. Once it’s finally exposed then maybe unbelieving dads would be a bit more supportive. And thank you very much for the kind words!

  8. Stephanie says:
    April 1, 2010 at 2:20 PM

    Thank you for sharing, Tracy. I believe it’s the deeply-entrenched stereotypes that perpetuate this behavior against stepmothers. Time to blow them up!

  9. Giulia says:
    April 1, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    What an excellent article! I am positive that this article and future ones, will be of great help to many families. Thank you for caring.

  10. Stephanie says:
    April 1, 2010 at 2:31 PM

    Thank you “Giulia.” Sounds like something my very cool mom would say. xxoo

  11. JediDad1 says:
    April 2, 2010 at 7:59 AM

    What a great service you are providing!

    I think you are uncorking a wine bottle–champagne, I guess, or maybe chamPAIN–with a huge amount of pent up negative emotional energy in it: Anger, fear, hurt, hatred, rage, etc….created by the senseless destructivity of divorce: Betrayal, jealousy, revenge, retribution, theft, and abandonment…and involving almost everyone in the nasty psychodrama: StepKids Wicked and Wise, grown-up stepkids, bio- and step-parents, ex-spouses, new spouses and lovers, friends who care and those who are sick of hearing about it, family, the barista in Starbucks who’s trying to keep two dozen orders in his head while you tell him the latest “incident”, and those damn Evil Lawyers and clueless flat-line Judges sitting on their overpaid, underqualified asses in Family Court. (OK, so you’ve at least uncorked MY negative energy, 10 years after the little Bio-Rats went feral under the loving guidance of their Jaba The Hut Bio-Mom, without a step-anybody. Can bio-kids get FSS? BUT I DIGRESS…)

    WickedStepKids.com looks like a great and POSITIVE way to deal with a huge injustice through humor, understanding, thoughtful analysis, and caring. But I hope you will also be tough enough to let the victims wail and wallow in their pain, because that is a necessary part of the healing process and survival instinct. It’s important that we get down and dirty and National Enquirer nasty in siding with our friends and significant others when they’re under a long-war assault by wicked StepKids. Then, AFTER the catharsis, we can get around to being nice and giving a little wisdom and guidance.

    You’ve taken on an enormous topic. Maybe that’s why no one else has done this before. Thank you, good luck, and sorry for blathering on so long. Please sign me up for the WickedStepKids.com blog updates. (Oh, I guess I have to do that myself.)

  12. Stephanie says:
    April 2, 2010 at 8:39 AM

    Yes, JediDad – you’re right. Wailing and wallowing is often the first step to healing. Yet while bioparents are allowed to lament, step parents targeted by WickedStepKids (and the adults who enable them) often aren’t allowed to do so. So thank you for reminding me that it does take courage to allow that to happen here. And thank you for your uncensored thoughts. Authentic sharing is the only way to bring out truth and create the change that needs to happen. So please, keep reading and keep writing!

  13. Stepmum of the Year says:
    April 28, 2010 at 1:16 AM

    Yep, I’ve never doubted that stepkids can be wicked. More wicked then stepmums, in my view!

    Certainly we seem to routinely go in with great intentions while they go in with “break ‘em up” intentions…. I’d call that wicked!
    Stepmum of the Year´s last blog ..Quote for the Day: Guilt My ComLuv Profile

  14. Stephanie says:
    April 29, 2010 at 1:58 PM

    That’s true, Stepmumoftheyear. I sit baffled wondering how it is a person who has only good intentions and desires ends up being labeled wicked when – in most instances – it’s the players around her causing the grief. Thank you for your comments.

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